Artist’s Context – Diary: Cherie Macdonald
It was hard to let my vulnerability be shared so openly, but I have learnt many things over the last couple
of years and learning that it is ok; to be vulnerable and ask for help. As Brené Brown says, “Today I choose courage over comfort”.

 

DAILY DIARY

04 Nov 17
Well today I packed my bags to head to Canberra for a month to do something for myself, to better myself.
I have ummed and ahhed about this course several times and after working out that I would be able to come to this particular course,
I still haven’t convinced myself that I was worthy of doing something for me.

After my husband was fine with it and my boss said she was happy to release me I really didn’t have an excuse.
I filled out the application not thinking that I would be a suitable candidate. What do I think I would benefit from this course?

I had spoken to a mate who had previously participated in this course and he encouraged me to apply. But I still did not think I was worthy as I know
that there are many other serving men and women who are more deserving than I. Yes I had injuries/illnesses but I still had all of my limbs
and I have fortunately have been able to manage my mental health quite well. But I do know that I can do better for my family and most importantly myself.

In my position at work I spend a fair bit of time with soldiers helping them with their situations, paying off my rehab or going home late to my family.
So this is my time, my time to heal, try new things and go along for the ride and see where it takes me.

05 Nov 17
Today we received the ‘in’ brief. A bit confronting to hear the Brigadier’s story. Tried very hard to hold back the emotions as I know that I have been keeping
this tough façade for a little bit too long now. A little bit excited and a little anxious all at the same time. I think it is amazing that Defence has invested in such a program.
Emotional intelligence for the win. Why couldn’t there be just a little bit more of that.

06 Nov 17
Day One done and dusted. What a great day, got to laugh, got to make mistakes and not spend the next hour trying to explain my mistakes.
Got to sing and dance. Attempted creative art, hey I gave it a go, sorry Mrs Crofts I still have not improved. Now to make that decision of which stream.

07 Nov 17
What an intense emotional day. First we started off with our ballots of what stream we would like to got into.
I had my heart set on Music and Rhythm as I knew that, that would not really get me out of comfort zone. I had placed Performing Arts as my number 2.
I got Performing Arts. The initial internal monologue was that I didn’t get picked for Music and Rhythm because they heard me singing during the introductions
and just went hell no. So Performing Arts, here I come.

Within the first five minutes of the session my eyes were leaking. My body was having a response to something I could not control and just had to roll with it.
I was crying my eyes out to a room full of people I have known for one day. I would not in my wildest dreams share those thoughts and emotions with long life friends.
I am where I am meant to be right now. I need this for me. I was able to freely place myself into a vulnerable situation and not be judged
but welcome into open arms and allowed to share what goes on inside this brain.

08 Nov 17
Today we began learning about elements of drama. We put this in practice and did different activities to understand the elements.
We did a really cool activity where we sat around in a circle with our back to everyone and we all made
different sounds that you would hear at different locations, for example the city, hospital and the beach.
We got to play around a bit with photography and learn how to use instagram. Something different but really cool.

09 Nov 17
Another great day, more great activities. It amazes me how depending on how we interpret things and present them, depends of how it is received.
We were given a script that had no more than four words and we had to discuss with our partner a small scene and act it out.
Then we switched it up and did impromptu without knowing what the other person was doing and it amazingly still made sense.
I feel that the other groups aren’t getting out of it what we are but it is very possible that they think the same about us as well.
Tonight we are off to the theatre.

We went and saw ‘Boys will be boys’. This was a play about a woman in a man’s world.

10 Nov 17
Well I am still processing the play as I have a few mixed emotions about it, mainly as because of those people who have come here for those very reasons
that the play focused on. We got to meet two of the actors and also the director so we got to ask a few questions of them all and they also asked a few questions.

I had recently read Clementine Ford’s book ‘Fight Like A Girl’ plus got to see her not long after that and she did a discussion about Rape Culture.
To know that at some stage that I have contributed to the bottom of the triangle I was suddenly filled with a lot of guilt
and made a little promise to myself to be more self aware with my comments and also to stop others from my sexist comments.

11 Nov 17
Remembrance Day.
Everyone has their own thoughts about Remembrance Day and it means different things to different people.
I mainly think of Sean McCarthy and the good times (lots of work, rest, play) we had whilst posted to 7 Sig Regt.
I think about the night in Bamaga when we were doing hand over that he had confessed his feelings for me.
I didn’t know quite how I felt at the time as at the time I was trying to focus on me and staying single.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have feelings for him it just didn’t feel like the right time.

I remember the day vividly when his death was announced on the news.
I was at work standing on the shift floor and just watching it over and over again hoping it was made up.
Sean was one of the nicest guys you would ever meet, he was a true gentlemen, he was a hard worker and generous.
I couldn’t bring myself to attend his funeral, something I regret everyday. I could not bring myself to go, very selfish.
I felt that if I didn’t go I didn’t have to say goodbye and therefore it wasn’t true. You will forever be in my heart mate.

13 Nov 17
Week 2 bring it on. Today we did heaps of different things. Improv, writing, voice warm ups, meditation. How good would it be to do this stuff everyday?
Now to be really good so I can do this everyday but make a living from it. The writing was different and opened up the mind to even more memories.
I chose to write to myself just before going to Kapooka and provided some advice to myself to help me get through it.
I really struggled with Kapooka I was still dealing with a few things from my younger days and didn’t feel like I did very well.
I think if I just had that little advice before going in I would have been in a better place.

How good would it to be to be able to actually do this?

14 Nov 17
Today we started working on what we are going to present at the showcase. We have started with something one of the other guys wants to do.
It isn’t necessarily how I want to express myself but if it helps him process what he needs to then I am happy to help him out.

I got interviewed today for the video that they make for the program. I didn’t really answer the question about why I applied for the program in full detail but gave the general gist.
It will be interesting to see what they make from it. I just think that if it helps others find out about it and help break that stigma just that little bit then why not.

I attended book club again tonight it was really great to chat to other people who are reading the same book and what they think about things and
also see if they were having the same experience I was with the book. I didn’t get to bed to quite late. I ending up spending considerable time with
another participant who is having a pretty rough time and tried my best to listen when it was required and also provide advice where required.

15 Nov 17
Today we focused on body movement and trying to present ourselves in a natural way without showing to the world what our woes were or making any injury obvious.
It was very different and it makes you laugh when you see someone else imitating the way you walk.
We did an interesting topic for our journal today and we made a little movie, pretty cool.
Can’t wait to get home and do some things with the kids with the app.

16 Nov 17
What another emotional day. Chose the wrong bus to sit on this morning without headphones.
Dudes talking smack about women and being completely oblivious to those around them. Put me in a really bad mind frame this morning.
Feels like some guys have not come here to try and fix themselves and just a swan trip away from work.
Why would you waste this opportunity to make yourself better in anyway possible?
The day definitely had its ups and downs.

17 Nov 17
Today we sat around and talked about a few things amongst the group.
Transition from Defence, mixing in with civilians, not fitting in the mould and look for drama classes or similar instead a sporting team.
We also got the opportunity to try out some clowning. Well I think I am still laughing at myself.

19 Nov 17
Got to visit the war memorial today. I checked out the expansion to the Afghanistan section and got to write my name on the T wall there.
I also got to lay a wreath during the last post ceremony. I was so nervous but also feeling very proud to be given such an honour.

20 Nov 17
Today we finally finished off one of the scenes, we got to practice the song we want to sing with some movement. Things are coming together.
We went to a poetry night at Smith’s Alternative Book Shop. Something new once again.
The stand out poem was read by a young girl maybe in her early teens, a very powerful poem got the old thinking machine ticking over.

21 Nov 17
Today we did abit more tinkering with our scenes.
Got some vocal coaching off Ally which was great so much to think about whilst trying to sing.
Hopefully I can pull this off. Very tired this afternoon.

22 Nov 17
Everything is coming together finally. We had a bit of a hiccup in the group today.
One member has unfortunately broken the circle of trust and I feel really disappointed that some people still don’t get it.

23 Nov 17
Had a really shit night sleep. Once again letting people rent space for free in my brain. Going to be an interesting day.
Normally I would just not waste anymore time of these kind of people but unfortunately for the greater good there is a need for me to swallow my feelings and move on.
Hopefully our mentors are all good as well.

24 Nov 17
Refining and Rehearsing. Can’t believe how quickly all our scenes go.

27 Nov 17
The stage has been set. Its 2130 at night and I still have excitement pumping through my veins.
Now to sleep the next couple of nights so we can put on a good show.

Cherie Macdonald – 2017